November 1993
Disclaimer: We all go through many different stages in life. I was in one of my depressive episodes years ago. I wrote down how I was feeling, whether they are good or not, I don’t know. Most are untitled, but I will put the date. I have also learned, changed, and evolved immensely in many ways through the years. Doesn’t mean the ‘episodes’ have stopped.
Once again in my solitude
waiting and waiting
The pressure is like a cyst about to burst on my skin
It rises and oozes like infection seeping out
No one can tell
The darkest soul with a benevolent heart
and a soul in need of resurrecting
To conceal the bitterness is a burdensome labor
My heart has hardened
All trust is long gone
Convicted to condemn the essence of me
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Ooof, this carries a lot of weight... The imagery of pressure building under the surface, and no one being able to tell, really hit me. So many people carry that quietly, I know I once did as well. I was especially moved by the line about having a dark inner world but a benevolent heart. That tension is so real during depressive seasons.
Thank you for sharing this piece of where you were, and for the reminder that we can grow and evolve even when the episodes don’t fully disappear. 🤍